Archive for humor

joke book

Posted in word-drum with tags , , , on September 20, 2010 by Word-Drum

Word-Drum News Headlines:

                              Bar Explodes Killing 2

The victims were Father Finnegan and Rabbi Rosenberg. This time a bar went into a Priest and a Rabbi.

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                              Poultry Heist

“I had to ask him why the chicken crossed the road.” said Melvin Moorehouse who witnessed the crime. “The thief offered the birds some feed and tried to lead them away from the truck. But one of them ran across the street. He told me he loved that chicken, that’s why he crossed the road. I think he loved him too hard.”

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Why did Barack and Michelle Obama cross the road?…

To get away from the White House.

Why didn’t they cross the road?

BAAAAACKKK! There was a huge Tea Party going on across from the White House.

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a chicken cross the road…and go into a bar.

“Welcome Rabbi. Welcome Father.” says the bartender.

”Get out of here, Chicken. I told you to go across the street to The Colonel’s if you want a drink.”

(OK, so that answers why the chicken crossed the road…)

“What would you like, Gentlemen?”

“Whiskey all around, my friend.” says the Priest.

“We are going to a Tea Party so we will just need a small glass of bolstering spirit.”

“Was that chicken going too?” asks the bartender.

“No, he’s a Moderate. He thinks he’s smarter than us, like all Moderates. But we know he’s really just a chicken.”

new productions for word-drum records

Posted in music, word-drum with tags on August 25, 2010 by Word-Drum

The Talent

                           1. “I’m A Crazy Bitch” – Nancy Pelosi

2. “Breath To America” – The Fire-Breathing Sharia Sisters

                3. “Show Me Your Golf Scores, Mr. President” –
                               The Jerome Corsi Singers

4. “Pull My Daisy” (live version) – Daisy Kahn and The Con Job

               5. “Jews Can’t Jump (Me)” – Jeremiah Wright

6. “Al’s Wacky Weekend With Osama” – UBL ReMix Company

                             7. “Endorse This” – Tiger Woods

gippy and the hizzies

Posted in obama era, word-drum with tags on August 17, 2010 by Word-Drum

Guest Blogger: Gippy the Hippy

Last year I invited Mr. Florien Stain (aka Dirty Floor) to write a post about Hannah Giles.(Hannah The Angel)

Now I welcome Gippy the Hippy to tell you a little story.

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Gippy and the Hizzies 

by Gippy the Desert Hippy

I don’t label things. I didn’t even name my dog. I asked him what he calls himself and he said Barack. So that’s his name.

I live out in the desert with Barack. Up until last week I looked after land that some rich dude owns.

One day this Land Rover pulled up to my trailer. Two real friendly guys with beards like mine asked me if I owned the land. I told them I could give them the number of Goldberg the owner.

I could tell they were Arabs. They probably didn’t want to hassle with Jews. I told them that I respect them. They warmed up to me even more and broke out some real fine Lebanese hash. We sat watching the sun set over the desert, smoking that rightous kief and drinking tea.

They were looking for a nice secluded spot where they could pray and perhaps shoot off some rifles once in a while…to celebrate the victories of their favorite soccer teams and for religious holidays.

I agreed to let them use a spot by the canyon. They would give me an ounce of hash every two weeks.

More and more of them started rolling in there. They had a real nice Camp. It was some sort of club. They called themselves Hizzbowler or something like that. I just called them Hizzies.

The Hizzies and I got along fine. They didn’t bother me and I did likewise. Old man Goldberg never visited his property. And no one was building anything so there was hardly anybody else around.

Pedro and Juan, who were my closes neighbors, told me they liked the Hizzies too. Most of them spoke real good Spanish.

My neighbors crossed over the border but never made it to L.A. where they were both heading. They found each other and fell in love. It turns out many of the Hizzies are also gay. They had parties at the Mexican boy’s trailer almost every night.

Things got a little weird when I asked if I could join their club. They call me Gippy the Hippy but I do like guns.

They told me first I must become a Muslim. I told them I was of all faiths and was already part Muslim. This was impossible according to them.

Gippy ain’t down with the Neo-Cons, so I wouldn’t label them Terrorists. Not until one of them finally told me:

“We are more than a club. I have been teaching Spanish and training mujahideen down in South America for the last few years. Now all operations have moved into the next phase: consolidating our forces for operation in North America.”

“There is great opportunity for Americans who work with us. But any who stand in our way won’t last long. We have power at the top and forces on the ground almost ready to strike. “

Barack!, my dog barked. I almost pissed my pants, I was so scared by this dude.

The next day I moved out and called Goldberg to tell him I quit.

“What happened?” he asked me. “Did you screw up?”

“I wouldn’t label it that.” I told him.

hairy decade (crown thy good)

Posted in 9/11, terrorism, word-drum with tags , , , , , on July 9, 2010 by Word-Drum

What a decade it’s been! On the eleventh of September in the first year, I watched the World Trade Center be destroyed on television.

It was one of the rare times that watching TV didn’t mean looking at people’s hair. Not that it’s a personal interest, or that there is anything wrong with hairdressers. But I can’t help noticing the hair, and sometimes stop listening.

One year later I was back in the U.S. for the first time in seven years. I tell the story here.

If you read the story, know that the narrator had pretty good hair(then).

It’s the decade I went from the Left to the Right. And I’m not talking about parting my hair. More hair and some family hairstory: “Part of the Zionist Conspiracy.” or comb through this: Jimmy Martyr and see photos of The Tower I lived in, where(you guessed it) I could finally let my hair down.

I was as hard-headed as any Lefty, and it only took another gang of crazy Muslims to start to clear my head (below the wavy cut I was styling).

One thing led to another. Life experience with the groovy people made rejecting them easy. Now the crew cut of some Marine seems groovy(and easy to manage) not because of how it looks, but because of what the Marines represent.

Now it is as clear as what’s on Bloggo’s head that the True Blue will set this country right. Perfect? No. But in that general direction. “God mend thine ev’ry flaw”

Dig this:

 America, The Beautiful Lyrics
by Katharine Lee Bates – 1913

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet,
Whose stern impassion’d stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America! God mend thine ev’ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!

O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life!
America! America! May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev’ry gain divine!

O Beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam,
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

out going

Posted in obama, word-drum with tags , , , , on April 13, 2010 by Word-Drum

 Goin’ to aaeeehhh Tea Party.

  Need some smoke.

 It’s not that kind of tea.

 Don’t go sir. You are scheduled for the gym.

 Why not? I hear they are sweeping the country. I like to be eeaahhhh, you know, up to date.

 It’s a Code Four, Mr. President. Placing the Tea Party Movement in the RACIST category. You can’t touch it.

 Well, I just gotta get out of here. I’ll go with a disguise.

(Michelle Bachmann is speaking at the Tea Party.)

 Tea Party People: We love you Michelle!

 I’m not surprised that the White people love her. But what’s up with all these People Of Color!?

 (The First Lady incognito) (She thinks to herself: “We just say that Barack. They all like her. We had our time. Perhaps our time is up. I know why all in our circle still sing our praises. They are clinging to power…just like us.”)

(An older women gives them both a small American flag to wave.)

 (He starts applauding the speaker and shouts with the crowd: “I love the Constitution and it’s worth fighting for!” The President is swept up in the moment. After years of being the focal point, he was enjoying this alternate experience.

He had wanted to replace his missing father with a Nanny State, or worse. Hearing references to the Father of the Country, George Washington, the President was feeling his fatherly strength as a wise and strong leader. A man of few words but magnificence of action.

Could he just stop talking and do the right thing as President too?)

                                Who’s Your Daddy?

 (She sees Barack slipping away and slaps him in the face.)

 Thanks Baby.

random things

Posted in news and politics, word-drum with tags on March 18, 2010 by Word-Drum

One day you might see…

I Am My Own Lawyer – The Barack Obama Story

—————————————————————————————————–

Congressman Ryan seems to really understand what’s going on in Washington. There can’t be that many others. Hope they all stay safe. If we all understood it, they’d have to kill us.

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Very soon…

Pelosis are the new Zig Zag.

Nancy(I like numbers) Pelosi goes from Beauty Queen, to Queen of the Children, to Queen Of Rolling Papers… when California legalizes pot to try and regain fiscal health. There’s no stopping her (just her political career).

 

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WordDrum puts forth a bill to require all citizens to buy his CDs

Update: This bill has been deemed passed. Send in your checks or pay me a dollar now…OK, just give me a cigarette…you guys just don’t get it.

                 

x’mas ho hos

Posted in word-drum with tags on December 24, 2009 by Word-Drum

Anti-Mullah

the gay islamist

Posted in word-drum with tags , on December 11, 2009 by Word-Drum


NPR is just divine this season with it’s new show The Gay Islamist.

Danny Doodle takes us on an international excursion starting in Gaza and ending with a fabulous party in Cairo. You can hear Terry Gross’ interview with the host after the other new NPR show “Childhood Sexuality with School Czar Jennings.”

Transcript from The Terry Gross Show on NPR:

Terry: “You are best known for your outrageous outfits and innovative make-up techniques. Isn’t there a conflict with Islam?”

Danny Doodle: “I get on my knees and bend down all day long. But fives times a day when I’m down there, I pray to Allah.”

Terry: “It’s amazing how you have integrated the two things.”

Danny Doodle: (He’s speechless for a moment thinking about the ‘two things’ that were in his face last night.) “Ahmed and Mohammad, who are my guides on the show, are old friends. We met long ago when I was in my Dress-Up Like A Nazi Period. I had this rubber S&M Nazi suit that was to die for. One thing led to another and with some coxing from my Muslim friends, I converted to Islam.”

Terry: “Your father is a Rabbi, didn’t that shock him?”

Danny Doodle: “He’s dead to me, as are all Zionists.”

Terry: “Well thanks for coming on the show.”

jobs for muslim doctors in the military

Posted in military, news and politics, word-drum with tags , , on November 11, 2009 by Word-Drum

landing-page_1517912c

– human shields

– target practice

– sending false intel to the enemy

– organ transplants

dreams from my dreams

Posted in obama era, word-drum with tags , , , , , , on October 22, 2009 by Word-Drum

ist2_2993071-nautical-elements-flags-series

Discouraged not to have yet made the Enemies List, a dream I had last night has given me an idea. I’ll pen an autobiography: “Dreams From My Dreams.” (or “Father From My Dreams”)

Here’s an excerpt from my time as a skipper:

(nautical laced prose…)

My boat came upon the survivors of a sinking cruise ship, the U.S. America. I could only fit a few of them in my small craft.

“Who did you vote for?” I asked each drowning passenger.

Obama voters floated away, before the sharks or “the earth” they so wanted to save, swallowed them up.

I spotted John McCain in the water, but I pretended not to see him.

An earlier excerpt from my college days:

thumbnailCAQHJO8TI chose my friends with no particular care. Ahmed was a medical student addicted to heroin. Ono was a Lesbian Marxist Performance Artist. There were the Chicano Marxists Performance Artists, who I bought pot from. I sold it to my Marxist Professors who I was also quite friendly with.

When the tide came in, I would sit on the beach with Muhammad. (If you weren’t a Marxist, you had to be a Muslim to be friends with me.)

We would smoke heroin and discuss all the injustices around the world. He would blame the Jews. Being born into that tribe, I would tell him it’s only those lousy religious Jews. Most of us are ‘Down With The Struggle.’

This is only a rough draft. I plan to give it to Ayers (or Jack Cashill) to work on.

channel comedy

Posted in television, word-drum with tags , , on September 30, 2009 by Word-Drum

 hitler_00

Discovery Channel Comedy Ideas:

The Cash Cab is hijacked by a former contestant. He demands to play the game again. He wants the same questions. After winning the video bonus, he takes the cash and points his pistol at Ben. “Now you play Sukka” Ben loses the game and his job. The new host takes the cab to the Upper-West Side. The Cash Cab rakes in $37,000 that night.

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Bear Grills, Survivor Man and a Grizzly Bear go into a bar. The two men are Destroyed in Seconds. Mike Rowe has to clean up the mess.

———————————————-                             Myth Busters 

W020080630534798203203
 Myth Busters are at the Gay Pride Parade in SF to prove that they aren’t Gay. After a half hour they are busted. (It happened in the Judy Garland Tribute Float).

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satan 

History Channel Comedy Ideas:

Hitler, Osama and Al Gore go into a bar.

It’s 200 years after people…they must be in Hell.

Turns out Al thought Hell was Earth. The warming he falsely warned us all about was coming from within. Was being married to Tipper and having to be around Hillary that bad? Now his Goggle stock was worthless and had no use for Solar Power.

It was Friday Night in Hell and all three played darts with Satan to win a 200 mile trip as an Ice Road Trucker. The only hitch was Rick (the screw-up from the show) would follow in the rear. If they don’t make the trip in the allotted time (and they won’t, with having to take care of Rick) they are forced to sit in a small room with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi…for a thousand years.

Al Gore’s dart lands in his foot. Hitler and Osama’s score is tied and they beat Satan. Both hit the road and get to cool off for a while. Rick’s truck crashes into them going down hill and they all end up under the frozen water. But don’t you know, an asteroid strikes the Earth, driving them back down to Satan.

It’s 200 years after people and evil can’t escape the flames of Hell.

video: the real deal

Posted in obama, video with tags on May 18, 2009 by Word-Drum

Hot Air: “Video remix: Wanda Sykes roasts Obama the way he deserves”
“The Wanda Sykes’ Obama Roast – If She Wasn’t a Shameless Suck Up.”

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